


numb

by juzosjason



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Mentions of religion, Other, Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Rape/Non-con, Vomiting, im sorry for this tbh, no caps bc im lazy, pretty graphic, short and sad, you’ve been warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 16:10:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17665805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juzosjason/pseuds/juzosjason
Summary: he told himself he would be okay, he had gone through so much in his young life and he could take another hit, he could take a million more hits and he would take them in stride.he was wrong.he would take these hits, but he wouldn’t take them in stride. he would later hide these secrets and pine for people who gave him nothing in return, something jim macken would be ashamed of.but he wasn’t jim anymore, no.he was alois trancy, and alois trancy was the earl’s favorite, the earl’s beloved son, the earl’s toy.





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**Author's Note:**

> ive noticed in fanfics when people write these type of stories about alois’ experience with the earl trancy, its much too sugarcoated. not that thats a bad thing, but i wanted to write a more raw, detailed, and realistic version of other fics ive seen before. enjoy this messy heartbreak of a story.
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> story title is from numb by linkin park because that song makes me think of alois so much

 

 

 

alois counted the cieling tiles above him, a burnt gold in neat squares that shined from the chandelier in the middle of the room. if he squinted, he could see his reflection, but he wouldn’t, for the sight on top of him made him sick enough.

his thighs were slicked with sweat (and other things he refused to acknowledge) and his muscles were aching, it had been hours. or at least it felt like so, with such slimy pale hands touching him in every sensitive, private corner and crevasse, he couldn’t bring himself to think about time.

no, he thought of one thing. one thing with auburn red hair and grey eyes, staring up at him with the upmost purity and admiration. his only comfort in this treacherous world that had done nothing but bury him further into the dirt.

it made his eyes swell with crystal tears, and to avoid punishment for such disobedience, he forced the words from his throat.

he whined, trying to sound like an innocent child but coming out like a scared dog, his fingernails tore into the silk sheeks as he clenched his fist, “ _father_ , _don’t_ _you_ _want_ _me_ _on_ _my_ _front?_ ” his pout did him well, the wrinkled hands tossing him to his front in a split second, and wasted no time in pushing himself back in without mercy.

now, with his face shoved into the cashmire, he could cry. his sobs could be moans of pleasure, and his cries of “ _please!“_ could be a needy mantra for him to go _deeper_ , _harder_ , _faster_. _make_ _it_ _hurt_ , _he_ _wants_ _more_ , _right_?

his knuckes turned white, feeling a hand on the back of his head pushing him further into the mattress until his breath was restricted, his throat tightening and his heart jumping in initial panic.

 

_why_ _would_ _i_ _fight_ _it?_ _if_ _i_ _die_ , _this_ _will_ _stop_ , _and_ _he_ _can_ _find_ _a_ _new_ _toy_ _to_ _rape_ , _a_ _new_ _doll_ _to_ _violate_ ; _and_ _it_ _wouldn’t_ _be_ _me_.

 

_i_ _could_ _be_ _with_ _luka_.

 

his muscles relaxed as his lungs felt like they were pushing against his ribs, trying for some type of way to find sweet oxygen, although he wouldnt allow it. all he could inhale was the floral and other less pleasant smells of the earl’s bedding.

but much too soon, his hair was pulled and he was forced onto his hands and knees. disappointment flooded him at the thought of being unable to suffocate, at the thought of this never ending hell being the rest of his life.

eventually, he hoped, the earl would get bored, and perhaps find a new toy. but alois doubted this, for his life had never been known to grant him wishes or give him heaps of luck.

he turned his head to the side as he tried to subtly loosen the grip on his hair, only failing and shuddering as he caught the image of himself in the mirror across the room, the one he had stared into before he had been stripped of his clothes and the last ounce of purity he held.

he had given himself an inner pep talk as he stared into this mirror, waiting for the earl and wearing a silky red.. _whatever_ _it_ _was_ , alois had no idea. something expensive, feminine, something a grown woman should be wearing, _not_ _him_.

he stared at his glossed lips and freshly cleaned hair and face, he had never seen himself in such a way and for a fleeting moment he allowed himself to enjoy looking so beautiful, to ignore the inevitable.

he told himself he would be okay, he had gone through so much in his young life and he could take another hit, he could take a million more hits and he would take them in stride.

 

he was wrong.

 

he would take these hits, but he wouldn’t take them in stride. he would later hide these secrets and pine for people who gave him nothing in return, something jim macken would be ashamed of.

 

but he wasn’t jim anymore, no.

he was alois trancy, and alois trancy was the earl’s favorite, the earl’s beloved son, the earl’s toy.

 

he watched in horror, unable to take his eyes off of himself, being touched in ways he shouldn’t be, in _places_ he shouldn’t be. he could feel everything. _the_ _slimy_ _god_ _forsaken_ _thing_ _inside_ _him_ , baring him no pleasure at all, the liver spotted hands on his hips and the sweat dripping onto him that definitely wasn’t his own.

but somehow this was worse, watching it happen to himself as he experienced it, watching himself submit like a dog to the most disgusting man he had ever laid eyes on.

 

_please_ , _god_ , _just_ _please_ _let_ _it_ _be_ _over_.

 

alois had stopped believing in god a long time ago, as he had never answered his prayers before, so why was he calling for him now? he found the idea of god to be pitiful and painfully ironic, to pray and beg a god who never answers, to mistake miracles as his doing when it was truly just good karma.

but even if such a thing as karma were to exist, where was his good karma? he had done nothing in his short years of life but take care of his baby brother before his life ended, even if that meant to steal and hurt people, it was what he had to do to survive. and luka, his precious luka, had been the best thing in his life, his only source of happiness, where was god to save him from his fate?

and that’s why alois doesn’t believe in god. with such a powerful being in control, why did children like him and luka have to starve? why did people like the earl exist? why did he have to be treated in such horrible ways? why did he have to be pushed deeper into his own dark pit of hell before the inevitable happened and he went to the real one?

he was filthy; unclean. his body wreaked of sin and toxicity, of old men and cigars, of sweat and bodily fluids he had never seen or felt before. this, along with his years of stealing from strangers just to buy luka _a_ _single_ _loaf_ _of_ _fucking_ _bread_ , he had a one way ticket to hell.

before he knew it, he became (shockingly enough) even more uncomfortable than he had been, feeling those hands tighten on him before the man stilled, and he felt his stomach lurch with nausea at the feeling of.. _something_ inside him.

he pulled out with disgusting squelch and an even more sickening _pop_ , and alois had to hold his breath to stop himself from throwing up all over the expensive bed sheets. the earl would not be happy if he did that.

a whisper in his ear, _my_ _perfect_ _doll_ , and alois finally let his strength fail, his arms giving out from under him as he fell into the bed face first, shivering and shaking with terror, but the earl mistook it for pleasure and stroked his thighs once more with old, calloused and wrinkled fingers, before turning and falling asleep in mere seconds.

 

alois couldn’t move. whether it was the pain or the devastation, he couldn’t tell. he assumed it was both.

 

but he had to, he had to get away. he had to escape the smell, he had to escape _him_ and the sound of his snores that somehow sounded just as disgusting as his talking voice.

every muscle ached and throbbed and he couldnt even think of a place in his body that didnt hurt, much less the lower half that stung more than anything.

the sheets stuck to his slicked thighs as he got up from the bed, refusing to whimper or wince in pain in his presence, even if he was asleep.

he grabbed the silk robe from the floor and wrapped it around him tightly, before retreating to the bathroom where he felt like at least for a moment he would be okay.

 

he wasn’t.

 

the change of scenery did nothing for his soul, and he limped across the marble flooring to the bathtub, where he intended to take the longest and most tedious bath of his life.

his legs gave out beneath him as he gripped the edge, the porcelain smelled like lavander, making alois scrunch his nose.

but that wasn’t the only reason. a syrupy, (but not quite syrupy) substance slipped its way out of him and down his thighs, making his small body freeze in the midst of the large and certainly way too luxurious bathroom.

his eyebrows furrowed, the permanent frown on his lips had only gotten deeper, and with much hesitation (and soon much regret) he reached between his legs with fearful curiosity.

his fingers came back covered with slick, white fluid, it stuck to his skin and got under his nails, feeling similar to the slime of a snail, but distinctly different in color.

the cloudy substance made him tremble, dripping off his fingers and onto the floor with a nauseating splat, and this time, holding his breath wouldn’t work.

instinctively, he bent over the bath tub, vomiting pure water and stomach acid onto the clean porcelain, and once he was empty of that, he dry heaved, his throat tensing repeatedly, but nothing would come out.

only a waterfall of tears, and _other things he refused to acknowledge._


End file.
